Maybe you should have figured it now. This is my rant place. I mean I am not ranting but this is the place where I can say all I want. What’s inside me. And what’s happening deep inside.
I hate to say but I overthink. I have anxiety. But I don’t think this is a disorder already. Everybody has anxiety, I guess. My brain just works like that. And it affected my heart.
My heart remembers more than my brain. Brain may have the neurons and all the knowledge stored, but when a heart remembers, it sucks. It hurts and it cuts. These past months, I’ve been on hard situations, as we all do. But mine’s unique, as we all do, again.
Remember the PhiLSAT day? Yeah. April 16, 2017, Sunday. I took mine at Jose Maria College, near Davao International Airport. I always passed by this school and I find it so beautiful. It was my first time to come here but that’s not the reason why it is memorable. That day was the official start of my journey to becoming a lawyer. The moment the proctor said, “Welcome to PhiLSAT!”, I nearly cried. I easily cry. A lot. Too emotional to handle thinking “this is the start of my journey.”
Days passed by, I never been anxious about the result until it’s the week of the release. I studied for it. Or maybe it wasn’t enough (I started studying like January but it was halted since there are circumstances happened. But I studied it, at least, for a week). You wouldn’t be like me when I’m anxious. I think this is a drawback of being a coffee addict. My heart pounds a lot. I’m catching my breath. And it’s like asthma. But asthma is just too much.
When the result came, I was frustrated on my scores. It wasn’t that great. I passed but it wasn’t enough to get me a scholarship. Remember what I posted recently? My parents can’t send me to law school. That is why I’m working my ass to get one.
I think my anxiety in law school (pre-law school as of this moment) started when I was looking for a sholarship. I emailed a lot of people. Visited office. Asking random people. I exerted effort. A lot. Hundred of people asked. Begging for scholarship. I even emailed senators, congressmen, doctors, lawyers, etc. But hey, all of them rejected me. One day after the other, rejection comes along. I even sleep on rejection and waking up with it. It became so frequent that it became too casual. It hurst me a lot.
One time while I was at the office, I texted my family — my dad, mom and my kuya. I told them I needed their prayers. Their replies touched me so much that I broke down. It was my first law school tears. Pre-law school, to be precise. People around me seems so shocked.
Living with rejections made me pray one morning to have a day without it. Even. Just. For. A. Day. And it works! There was a day that no rejection came to me. But not too long, though. The next morning, I woke up to an email (guess what), rejecting me.
My anxiety was then exercised again when I took the English Profeciency Test of my preferred school — Ateneo de Davao University College of Law. The exam was okay. It’s lot more easier than PhiLSAT but I wasn’t taking it for granted. I gave my all especially on the essay part (because I believe it plays an important role). Immediately after the exam, I feel anxious. Wanna know why?
There are eight schedules of exam for AdDU College of Law. I got the last one, May 20, 2017, Saturday. There are approximately 50-60 examinees every schedule and only 15-18 students have been texted to be interviewed. One week had passed, I haven’t received any text from them. That heightened my anxiety. I wake up every morning with the result coming first thing in my mind. Finally, I’m glad I was texted 9 loooooong days after the exam. I’m in for interview. Anxious it may be, but I managed to complete my interview with them and got accepted. Thank God, I was accepted by my dream school. But there is something that’s holding me. I don’t have money to enrol. I have no scholarship yet. Oh no. Scholarship.
And this is the beginning of my biggest anxiety in my pre-law school. Scholarship. I was applying for a big scholarship sponsored by the city government. I inquired and given an application form and the long list of requirements. Yeah. The list was quiet long.
I’m dedicated to apply. That’s why even if the requirements are too much, I got all of them. Every requirement has a lot of anxiety load to carry on my back. I can’t explain further but it does. Every requirement is a big anxiety to me. Not just because it requires effort and money but I’m betting my future with it. By the way, every visit in the scholarship office has a lot of courage to do. You know, anxiety again.
To cut the story short, my anxiety became more and more heavier until the result of the scholarship. It may be obvious, but I’ll say it again. I wasn’t selected.
That very moment haunts me. The recent is now. That’s the reason why I made this very long post. I remembered all the anxiety I had for the past two months. I don’t know why this random, but I remembered. I may be okay with it remembering, but what I don’t like is the feeling of anxiety coming back even if it should have not. I’m really okay if my brain remembers it all. I really am. But I’m not okay when my heart remembered all the heartaches I’ve been. Too much to handle rejections. Makes my tears fall again. But I hope it will heal. Time will heal.